Temporal Loop
by trufflemores
Summary: 3.19. Before Barry traps Savitar, he traps himself.


1

It's a panic move, the first time, and Barry gasps and staggers out of the Speed Force, eighteen seconds ahead of impact, and he watches in helpless horror as Savitar's claw slices through Iris' chest before he can take a single step forward, a doppelganger's anguished scream filling the air around them.

2

Barry's world glitches, a painful spasm, and he's thrown backwards in time, lunging for Savitar six seconds ago and catching Iris instead, a thin, wounded cry tearing from his throat as he holds her dying in his arms, too late, _too late_.

3

Taking a shallow breath Barry plunges back into the Speed Force, suffocating in the surf, unable to resist the pull, the farther he gets the harder it gets, and his only chance is to go, go now, but as soon as he fights to the surface, Iris is already gone.

4

Staggering out of the timestream, Barry throws up in the grass, listening with muffled, sensory-failing ears to another doppelganger pleading for Iris' life before a sword unfolds and he knows it's over, over before he can even stop heaving for breath and freedom and sanity.

5

Barry manages one step forward, two steps back, and then a time wraith screeches in his face, pressing him into a desperate retreat, caught between a rock and a hard place, crushed in the wake of futility and desire.

6, 7, 8

Ad infinitum: run, lunge, miss, catch.

9

Barry skates to a halt in his proverbial present, hunched over his knees, too exhausted to grieve, shaking with Speed, and before he can find time to process, he realizes it's been almost ten minutes, and the scene in the present has shifted, and in desperation he goes back because he cannot forget, he cannot misremember a single detail or he will fail, and destiny forces him to fail anyway.

10

Savitar sees him, after-the-fact, and Barry can't move as a sword slices through his gut before he Flashes away, falling into the Speed Force, drowning in the Speed Force, and he doesn't know how long he stays under but he emerges in the future to Joe weeping, and cannot resist the inexorable tug of death back, keep-trying.

11

Keep-trying.

12

Keep-trying.

13

Unlucky thirteen forces him to watch his doppelganger die at Savitar's hand, light-switch quick, alive one instant and dead the next, and repulsed, Barry flees to the future, missive forgotten.

14

Barry's back – of course he's back – in hours. Bruised and sore and tired to the bone, he tries, and he's so angry that he charges Savitar, and he wins, because Savitar dies, but when he turns, there's only a pool of blood around Iris and a Barry who never caught her.

15

It's the worst videogame he's ever played: this time, Savitar's back, undamaged, Barry's bone-grindingly exhaustive journey leaving no scars on his adversary, and he's too weak to fight, to even speak, just standing on the periphery and attempting to form words.

16

Barry shifts strategy, and it breaks his heart to not _try_ even though he knows he can't save her, but he goes for Savitar, dragging him down into the Speed Force, and he holds on as tightly as he can, aching for aid that isn't coming, for an intervention that won't happen, and Savitar breaks his arms to break free and vanishes.

17

The pain is so blinding Barry can only watch as the scene unfolds, caught up in a nightmare he can't look away from, and when Iris dies he pushes against the wall of time so hard he tumbles four days into the future.

18

In the present Cisco says, "Barry, don't," and he's already gone.

19

In the present a tranq dart sinks into his shoulder, improbably well-timed, and the second he feels it Barry starts shaking, adrenaline overcoming exhaustion, and Flashes into the past to avoid a second attempt.

20, 21, 22

Barry loses track of how many times he tries.

23

Savitar holds a doppelganger up by the throat and asks, "Is it worth it?" and Barry's last response can only be, " _Always_."

24

Barry gets stranded somewhere in-between, and he fumbles his way back to that night, hours before, and he's frantic to explain, scaring his family as he lays out nearly two dozen failed attempts, insisting that they have to get it right this time, and then Savitar snatches Iris and Barry knows, in his throat, in his chest, in his beating heart that it's over.

25

It's over.

26

It's over.

27

"How long do you think you can keep this up?" Savitar asks, raking a claw down his side; "As long as I have to," Barry gasps, kicking free with supersonic force and clawing his way into the Speed Force.

28

"I have all the time in the world," Savitar rumbles, and Barry drives the stake deeper into his throat, where his throat should be, but it never breaches the suit, and Savitar bats him aside with thunderous force.

29

The plasma gun jerks Savitar back, but he has the weapon in hand before Iris has finished falling, and points the barrel at Barry's forehead a second before he flees into the timestream, the percussion of the blow slamming into him as he vanishes.

30

A wire, a crude and powerful tool, gets entangled around Savitar's neck, but Barry can't tighten his grip enough to kill him, the wire cutting deep into his gloves, through his skin, howling with rage when his muscles lock up and he loses his grip, and Savitar flings him aside.

31

Barry's hand phases through Savitar's chest and unexpectedly meets its twin, arresting his motion, and Savitar draws him into his armored shell, a horrible compulsion towards certain annihilation, a neutron star of cosmic energy, and Barry only breaks free when his doppelganger shouts Iris' name.

32

Savitar waits for him, and Barry groans in pain when he impales himself on his own sword, staring into those unearthly blue eyes and asking in an eroding voice, "Why?"; "Because I can," Savitar replies, shoving him back into eternity.

33

Fire fails.

34

Ice fails.

35

Sonic waves.

36

Wind.

37

Lightning.

38

Is there anything he isn't willing to try? Barry wonders as he rushes a triumphant Savitar, phasing through and knocking him out of his armor, only to be catapulted forward by the man within, plunged into Speed Force darkness before he can process a face.

39

Anything at all, Barry pleads, dragging a vibrating across Savitar's suit, aching to break it open before Savitar crushes his throat, conceding to darkness when Savitar lets go.

40

Barry has to stop, he's gotta _live_ , but he can't, not while Iris is still out there and he can still-maybe save her.

41

Still.

42

Maybe.

43

This time Savitar waits for him, rumbling, "You're digging your own grave;" "I don't care," Barry rasps, charging, and he almost doesn't care when Savitar kills Iris because all he can see is red approaching, flinging himself against the monster until he almost thinks he can take them both away, but then he's back in the Speed Force, and it's over.

44

It's always over too fast, and no matter how fast he is—

45

No matter how strong he is—

46

No matter how _desperate_ he is—

47

He can't stop it from happening.

48

Over.

49

And over.

50

And _over_.

51

Jay says, "You need to stop, Barry" and Barry ignores him.

52

Savitar asks, "How long do you want to relive this moment?" and Barry replies, "Until you're gone."

53

Iris dies in Barry's arms.

54

Barry's _almost there_.

55

Almost is never enough.

56

World-weary, delirious with pain and temporal dislocation, Barry tries to find his footing and falls, unable to even return home, at the mercy of the monster who flees, leaving him alone in the dark, his doppelganger strangling on sobs across the grass, cradling Iris to his chest, and Barry wants to close his eyes, just close his eyes, and leave it all behind, but he persists, and tries again.

57

The Speed Force burns in his lungs, but he arrives almost a full day prior, and he plays his cards well, and he still fails.

58

The Speed Force burns in his legs, but he arrives almost a week prior, and he plays his cards well, and he still fails.

59

The Speed Force burns in his chest, but he arrives almost a month prior, and he plays his cards well, and he still fails.

60

Barry could spend the rest of his life in this singular moment trying to save her, but his suit is faltering, and he is failing, and he can barely stand when he Flashes to a halt; stopping Savitar is a non-starter.

61

A world-ending, catastrophic pain in Barry's chest forces him to a grinding halt on the edge of the park, and he can hear them, he can hear it all playing out, but he can't move, can't _breathe_ , crumpling, a hand clutching his shoulder, and he thinks, _I don't want to die here_ , and finds his way to his feet, tumbling into the Speed Force and falling a long way down.

+1

In the present, Barry opens his eyes.

Looking around, he takes in the night, the crushing darkness that has been his sole companion for the past – week? Month? Year? He doesn't know how long he's relived that night. He doesn't care to find out.

Savitar walks up to him and Barry doesn't run. Bowing his head, he takes a knee.

Savitar looms, saying, " _Remember this the next time you try to fight me._ _I always win,_ Flash."

-1

A doppelganger intrudes into his life, into his seven-years-without. Barry wants to throw him back where he came from like the fourteen others before him. Interacting with them is exhausting, and agonizing: Barry knows they're jeopardizing each other's fortunes relentlessly by constantly interceding, trying to fix it. _Stop it_ , he wants to tell his doppelganger, shaking hard, but he's too tired, and too sore, and too sick of _trying_. _Stop it._

His doppelganger doesn't relent and Barry shoves him, hard enough to mean business, _you have no right to judge me_. He won't justify, won't lay his soul bare. It's too heavy: if he sets it down, he won't be able to pick it up again.

It's his doppelganger who finally insists that the only way he can possibly survive, that he can handle the weight crushing him, is to carry it with others.

 _You can't do this alone anymore._

He's right.

And for the first time in a long time, Barry believes it.


End file.
